The UK cover of Warm Bodies

With the release of Warm Bodies, and the subsequent movie adaptation, it seems as though 2011 must have been like some sort of Wizard of Oz style whirlwind for you. How’s it been?
That describes it pretty well. Hanging out on set for a week in Montreal and getting to know all the cast and crew while watching my daydreams come to life was definitely the height of surreality, culminating in the moment at the wrap party when they showed a blooper reel and the room was full of laughter and camaraderie are based around this story I wrote… I’ll treasure that experience for the rest of my life.

2011 seems to have been a year in which we’ve been besieged by vampires. Would that be a topic you’d take on for a future novel? If anyone could give us a new take on vampires, then I’d put money on you being able to do it!
Haha, not a chance. Zombies were the trend that arose after vampires were played out, and now even zombies are played out. Vampires have already had every conceivable story told about them. They’ll need to cool off for at least a decade before anybody can innovate with them. But regardless, I’m done with monsters. Warm Bodies was a one-off thing; I don’t normally write about pop culture stuff like that and my next several books are going to be a lot harder to pigeon-hole.

One of the things I most like about Warm Bodies is that it takes a mindset we’re familiar with, and turns up upside down, and the delight in unexpectedly hearing the zombie narrative is something that certainly sets this story aside from others in this genre. What made you decide to make R the protagonist?
Having him as the protagonist is the only thing that makes this story remotely interesting to me. If Julie was the protagonist, it would just be another story about a girl falling for a dangerous dude. And if R’s slowly developing personality wasn’t the focus, it would just be another assembly-line zombie apocalypse story, which I have no interest in.

In the book, R is surprisingly eloquent in his internal dialogue. Were you worried how this would translate into a film?
In the film this is expressed with voiceover narration. They tone down the eloquence a bit, which is good; eloquent prose dialogue always sounds wooden when translated to film. But you still understand that he has a definite intelligence trapped behind his monosyllabic mumbles.

Your short stories often have first person narratives from unexpected sources (a t-rex, a pixel on a screen). What attracts you to this style of writing?
I guess I’m just fascinated with putting myself into extremely foreign perspectives and imagining what these people or things would think about if they could think. I’m continually surprised by what comes out of these experiments. Imagining the world from the perspectives of creatures or objects that we take for granted provides some unexpected opportunities to comment on the world from a fresh angle.

Isaac Marion

What are you most looking forward to in 2012?
I would have to have a pretty amazing life for anything to top the release of the Warm Bodies movie in August.

Warm Bodies is available on paperback, and the film is scheduled for release in August 2012.
You can follow Isaac Marion (@isaacinspace) on twitter, and read some of his short stories here.

Trollied

As a big fan of the writing of this show, I am genuinely chuffed to be able to bring you an interview with Nat Saunders, co-creater and part of the writing team, who very generously agreed to answer a few questions.

Thank you for shopping at Valco

First of all, congratulations on the massive success of Trollied. Certainly one of my favourite comedies in recent years. How long has it been in development, and were you expecting the level of success it achieved?
Well, thank you! Erm, no, we had no idea when we set out writing it. Our original five man (and ladies) team worked on Trollied on and off for two years alongside Ash Atalla, our producer. It was an exhausting process, but what it did mean was as soon as it came to being cast, the actors had meticulously worked-out scripts to go from. It didn’t really hit home that it was going to actually get made and be shown on telly until we saw the cast say the words in the scripts out loud. And then ehy did such an amazing job, all of them, at getting into the characters, we just knew it’d be a really fun show.

The Meat Counter

Seemingly a daft question, but how has 2011 been for you, personally?
Haha. Well, it’s been the most hectic year of my life, work-wise. All good, really. Bit of a whirlwind. Trollied came off at the same time as another sitcom pilot, a bunch of sketch shows and a book, so there were times when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Insomnia became a feature. Mustn’t grumble, though, cos I’ve been at the other side of the spectrum – begging producers for work, slaving for months on scripts that go nowhere and you never get paid for, and that’s much worse than being too busy. Much, much worse.

You’ve assembled a great cast, with some big names as well as some relatively unknown talent. How easy was it to get the likes of Jane Horrocks and Mark Addy on board and were you concious of them not necessarily being “the stars” of the show (it being much more of an ensemble)?
That was all down to the producers, so I don’t really know too much about how easy/difficult that was. I think they might have told me but I wasn’t listening. I was too busy banging on about my own crap. But I do know that our writing team were dead excited about the idea of it being a mix of big names (who will, obvs, drive viewers to your show) and relative unknowns (always cool).

Oh I can’t stand calendars, full stop. All those pages of days, weeks, months, years. I never know where I am with them!

When you were writing the character of Margaret, were you hoping she’d become one of the cult comedy figures of the year?
Rita May, who plays Margaret, is a bloody legend. We knew Margaret was funny on paper (or in Final Draft) but when she opened her mouth and said those words aloud for the first time, Margaret became a gajillion percent real. I love Margaret. And Rita.

What other comedies have been your “managers specials” this year (see what I did there, with the comedy supermarket pun)?
Brilliant. Good one. *attempts a weak high five* I’m playing catch-up with a lot of stuff, but it’s been a great year for UK and US comedy, both of which I’m a nerd for. Fresh Meat, Rev, Community, Spy, Parks and Rec, Black Mirror, Psychoville, The Office, Misfits… I’m sure I’ve left some out. But hey, what can you do?

Customer Service at its finest

Where will you be spending (or where did you spend) Christmas this year?
I’m spending it with family, in-laws and friends, as ever. Although Xmas makes me a teensy bit humbuggy (at least outwardly) I do secretly kinda like it a bit. I also sometimes put a little bow on my tortoise Linus’s shell, to get us both into the spirit.

What are your plans for 2012? Any particular aims?
Nope. Planning ahead isn’t really a forté for me. I think I’m due a trip to the dentist. I’ll at least try and sort that out.

Why can't she work at Morrisons?

Lastly, when can we expect to see Trollied back on our screens, and can you give us any hints as to what we can expect to happen at Valco?
Series two is well underway, and begins fliming in Spring 2012, so I imagine it’ll be on the telly sometime late in the Summer. Our writing team is bigger, stronger and noisier than before, we’ve got some ace new characters up our sleeves, all the old ones are coming back, and everything’s going up a notch. Fans are gonna love it. Haters can swivel.

Trollied is repeated on Sky One, and Series One is available on DVD. You can follow Nat Saunders on Twitter (@RatBanjos), and see some brilliant sketches (including the fantastic Misery Bear) at www.wormhotel.com.

The Fades

The Fades – I see dead people. A story that centres around Paul, an unpopular teenage boy, and his struggle to cope with his emerging supernatural powers. In the mainly American dominated market of sci-fi, horror, and drama, The Fades was a complete delight and unusual to boot. A British series that was intelligently written, and emotionally engaging, and thus completely trouncing some of the dross that us sci-fi fans have put up with recently (V and Terra Nova to name a couple). Never pulls its punches, and because of this, delivers some amazingly hard hitting scenes. A new series is planned for next year, so try and catch up, it’s well worth it.

Trollied

Trollied - One thing that I think British TV has been missing for a while is a decent sitcom. Produced and written by people with a string of hits to their name (including The Office), Trollied was the first of a few British gems this year. Set in a supermarket, and with a talented ensemble cast that all add value, it’s easy to see that this show will run for a while. If you’re a fan of this show, keep checking back, as I’ve only managed to go and get an interview with one of the writers!

Spy

Spy - Following hot on the heels of Trollied, Spy was another new British comedy that hit the ground running. It’s your basic everyday story of a bloke going for a council job and accidentally getting a job as a spy for MI5, while trying to win the constant battle of wits with his far more intelligent son. A top cast, with the brilliant Darren Boyd finally getting a well deserved lead role, and Robert Lindsay stealing as many scenes as possible.

American Horror Story

American Horror Story – If I could use two words to describe American Horror Story, they’d be “fucking mental”. A family move to a new house to try and give themselves a new start. Sadly though, they’ve chosen a house with a bad history, and one that doesn’t want to give it’s new inhabitants an easy ride in the slightest. Everyone in this show has something to hide, and even though it’s only seven episodes into season 1 (in the UK at time of writing), you just know it’s going to get a whole lot more freaky before things start getting resolved. One of the best things to be imported from the States in a long while. Supernatural, horrific, terrifying, and utterly compelling.

Only Connect

Only Connect – This has been around for a few years now, (hidden away on the wonderful BBC4) but I feel is worthy of a mention, simply because it’s the one quiz show on TV that I am utterly hooked on (and not just because I’ve got a bit of a thing for the host). There are very few quiz sows that make you think, they all seem to just rely on knowledge, and not intelligence. Only Connect however, requires both. Not only do you have to know stuff, you have to be capable of such abstract thinking as to spot connections between things that should have nothing in common, at all. It makes University Challenge seem like a pub quiz machine in comparison.

So there you go, my random TV highlights of 2011. Stay tuned (if indeed you can be tuned to a blog) for my interview with Nat Saunders, co-creator and writer of Trollied. Very excited about that. And so should you be.

Ben Marwood

So, this year is drawing to a close, and I thought I’d inflict on you some of the highlights of my year. Then I realised the general highlight was winning £12.80 on the Euromillions, and I’ve managed to impart that knowledge in the space of one sentence. So instead, I’ve decided to write a bit about my favourite music, TV, and films from the past year.

First up is Ben Marwood, a singer/songwriter hailing from Reading, who released his debut album (Outside There’s a Curse) this year on Xtra Mile recordings. I first saw Ben when he was the support act at a Frank Turner gig last year (one of Frank’s festival warm up shows). His witty lyrics, down to earth demeanor, and keen ear for a tune really got the crowd going, and I certainly hoped that wouldn’t be the last I saw of him. Luckily, it wasn’t. 2011 has seen the aforementioned debut album release, and a full tour supporting Frank Turner (which I was lucky enough to attend). He’s very graciously agreed to answer a few question just for this site, so without any more wittering from me, on with the interview.

Since the album release earlier this year, you’ve been a very busy boy. How has 2011 been for you personally?
Overall, pretty good. I think this year was the year that I’d been waiting for for a long time. Xtra Mile and I got our acts together and released the debut album, and I think it was well received. Certainly it did well enough to merit a second album. And also, me and Frank (Turner) finally did the tour we were always talking about. That was really something; he is a great guy. I cannot emphasise enough how rare it is in this industry to find someone who is down-to-earth having sold that amount of records. His team are also great guys, and at a professional level too. I don’t think a harsh word was spoken all tour. Plus they didn’t make me get up in the morning, which was great news. Having Franz Nicolay as support was a big bonus too – now there’s a gentleman, and immensely talented. It was good to catch up with him and Chris T-T on their tour last week. Of course, the year wasn’t all good: the Sony warehouse blaze in Enfield in August wiped out most of the remaining album stock so I was forced to take to the road for the headline tour this autumn with just some Xtra Mile endorsed CDR-s to my name, and that tour itself was a tough slog – working Monday to Friday and then heading out for shows at the weekend was the only way it could be done though, and I owed it to Xtra Mile, Frank and I to follow up the May tour. My friend Ben (Morse) recently laughed at me for being a tortured musician recently because I was bitching about the tour. That’s the reason I keep him around, to keep me in check. Of course, it’s not the shows that cause the problem, it’s doing them in conjunction with the working week. I figure in 2012, I’ll do things more sensibly.

The obligatory moody shot

What are you most looking forward to for 2012? Any particular aims?
Yes, I need to move house in February, I also need to spend some time with my neglected other half in the States, also I need to get a new album recorded. At the moment there’s a small delay in funding, but that’s why I work. I didn’t approach Xtra Mile to fund the project because I think spending other people’s money adds an extra element of pressure that I don’t really need, so now it’ll be completed when it’s completed. I was aiming for a May release but I think Autumn 2012 is more likely, but I have a surplus of material for the album so there’ll likely be other releases alongside the album. I just realised I haven’t answered your question properly, so here goes: the thing I am looking forward to most in 2012 is finishing the album, and taking some time to myself without waking up every Sunday morning on someone’s floor.

Where will you be spending Christmas?
With my dear immediate family. I like a family christmas these days! I think you appreciate the family element the older you get. When I was younger, I just appreciated the presents. It’ll be good though – I’ll head home Christmas Eve after my brother finishes work, we’ll all stay in the same house for probably the only time all year, then spend Christmas Day together. On the 27th my other half arrives at Heathrow for what is threatening to become a tradition of her spending New Year in England. I go back to work on the 28th. Booooooo.

Do you have any pre-gig rituals?
If only! If I did, I wouldn’t spend so much time pacing around a venue before I’m due on stage. I’m definitely a Pacer. Sometimes people try and talk to me immediately before my set and I must come over like a total dick; I’ll be distracted and terrible conversation. General public: this isn’t because I hate you, it’s because there’s a little guy in the back of my head going RHHRHRRHR YOU HAVE TO PLAY A GIG and that can be pretty distracting. I always imagine him as the guy from the front page of my website. In general everyone who lives in my head is an MS Paint stick figure.

I’m a big fan of your District cover, you and Frank playing that together in Stoke was one of the highlights of my year. Do you have any plans for any other cover versions for b-sides? For example, would you go mainstream a la the Live Lounge?
Aaaah, the cover debate. Aside from the covers I’ve already released, there will likely be a cover amongst the second album’s collections. Whether it sees the light of day on an album or an EP or as a free download remains to be seen, but it’s recorded, it was spontaneous and, like ‘District’ at the time, 95% of people I meet won’t have heard it before. I really lucked out when Frank released ‘District’ before I did, I think it helped the way it was received, and it was a pleasure to do that live on the tour with FT and in some cases Mr Nicolay. As for Live Lounge, holy shit, if there was ever a more mundane set of compilation albums then I never want to hear it. Maybe we can start releasing re-makes of popular Hollywood films with the lead actors swapped around. Maybe Cameron Diaz can do ‘The Queen’ whilst Dame Helen Mirren stars in ‘There’s Something About Mary’. Sound like a bad idea? That’s exactly how I feel when I hear Arctic Monkeys reinterpreting Take That. I’d reinterpret all of those CDs to smashed.

The trusty six string

How do you manage to juggle the music with your day to day job? And which do you see as your “real” life?
Honestly? They’re both my real life. My day job pays me well, I worked hard at my degree to be in this kinda position and it affords me healthcare benefits that, frankly, my position in the music industry cannot. At the same time, I would go insane if I wasn’t doing some form of music stuff, and so they both have their place in my life. If I had to jack one in, it would be the day job, but then the second album would be recorded using two empty yoghurt pots and a piece of string onto an old unwound cassette. As I do more shows and get more offers it is getting increasingly hard to juggle the two, but as long as I don’t try too much I won’t flip out and go postal. Generally I’m quite an introvert – my idea of a perfect day is staying in my house and not going outside unless I need milk for more tea, so to have a second occupation that is quite socially intense is.. interesting. But hey, I spent long enough playing to no-one to be able to fully appreciate the position I am in now, and I’m not stupid enough to think I have only myself to thank for it.

Outside There's a Curse

Some of my favourite lyrics this year have been from your album (particularly the “hate all life’s unanswered questions, but you still hurry home to watch Lost”). What have been the snippets of songs that have stuck out for you?
Are we talking.. my own stuff? If so, “outside there’s a curse / a test of the tired and terse” would be mine, or “you don’t have to be a looker just to see you’ve lost your way”. Other people’s lyrics are so much better though. To that end I would heartily recommend you check out, if you haven’t already, The Mountain Goats’ album ‘All Eternals Deck’, particularly ‘High Hawk Season’. John Darnielle can turn a good phrase, that’s for sure. I’m going to predict that the best lyrics of 2012 are going to come from Franz Nicolay’s next album. His new material is so good I’m going to write two new songs for the album to compensate.

I'm stood on 341 DVDs right now...

Following on from the Lost reference, do you watch much TV? What box sets fill your spare time?
I don’t spend too much time in front of the idiotbox these days, largely because I have Freeview and there are only so many repeats of QI you can watch in a year. Recently I have been enthused by Charlie Brooker’s ‘Black Mirror’ mini-series and Psychoville series 2 was great. As was Campus, though I didn’t ever get around to watching the last couple of episodes. I caught only one episode of X Factor this year, which was one of the benefits of being out every Saturday evening. In terms of box sets, I’m a sucker for DVDs. The Oxfam Music shop in Reading is superb, but I don’t get time to watch what I buy. Subsequently I just buy and buy and buy, and then I end up with a big pile of DVDs I’ve never seen. From here I can see I’m currently waiting to watch Green Wing, which I’ve bought especially so my girlfriend can watch it (since it’s never repeated on TV). The best box set of all this year would be Futurama Season 5 but that’s not out til boxing day. It is great though.

Every time I’ve seen you play, you always have a cool t-shirt on. Where do you get your threads?
It really depends! I used to go to Topman and Urban Outfitters, which is a bit trendy for me now. These days most of my cool stuff comes from internet sites. I think I’m going to get some maths-based ones soon because I think I’ve developed too much credibility this year and I need to be taken down a peg or two.

You can vist Ben’s site here (his blog’s well worth a read, plus there are a few free downloads), and you can follow him on twitter at @BenMarwoodMusic

Great Scott!

5. Dr. Emmett Brown in Back to the Future- This is a movie death that serves as a bit of a shock. Why kill off one of the main characters right at the beginning of the film? Well, it certainly adds an air of poignancy in this case, with Marty heading back to 1955 and seeing the doc as a younger man, and trying to tell him about his future demise. It turns out the doc has perhaps misinformed some Libyans of his intentions, using their weapons grade plutonium to build a time machine instead of the bomb they wanted. Back in the 80s, terrorism was a simple affair, and the Libyans rock up at the shopping mall car park in a campervan, with a massive rocket launcher. They dispose of the doc with a short burst of machine gun fire, as Marty looks on, horrified. Luckily, he’s got a time machine handy, and after sorting out some family issues, he writes the doc a letter explaining the circumstances of his death. Without reading it, the doc rips it up, claiming not to want to know anything about his own future, for fear of destroying the universe. Luckily for the sequels, he ignores his own advice, and Marty arrives back in 1985 to find the doc was wearing a bullet proof vest. Sod the universe, eh?

I really like that hat.

4.Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars – Sometimes, death in a movie is a sacrifice for a greater good, and that’s the case here. Our band of plucky heroes are struggling to escape in the Millennium Falcon, Obi Wan having disabled the tractor beam holding them in place. However, they’re running out of time. What’s the best way to buy people a whole load of time? That’s right, a light sabre duel to the death. Obi Wan decides to take on his one time apprentice and now the most evil man in the universe, Darth Vader. It’s a tense fight, both men evenly matched, the old master against the pupil. However, the more experienced man sees that to enable his friends to escape, he must sacrifice himself. Vader strikes, Obi Wan disappears, and his Jedi robes fall to the floor. It’s not all bad news though. Even though he’s not alive any more, his spirit lives on, and talks to Luke, giving him advice. Instead of seeking medical advice for the voice in his head, Luke simply believes all he’s told, even to the end of the film, where Obi Wan’s disembodied voice guides Luke in destroying the Death Star with his eyes shut. That’s just showing off.

This is actually official uniform

3. Setsuko in Grave of the Fireflies – This may not be a film you’ve seen, and if that’s the case, I strongly urge you to seek it out. Set against the backdrop of the end of World War II, it tells the story of a brother and sister struggling to survive after the death of their mother, while their father is away at war. It’s not a spoiler to say that the kids ultimately die, the opening scene of the movie pretty much sets that up. The tale of the children is told in flashback, narrated by Setsuko’s older brother, Seita. After their mother dies following a bombing of their house, they have little option but to move in with an aunt, who is resentful of having to feed them. Shortly after, they move out and find a new home in a dissued bomb shelter. Things go from bad to worse, and pretty soon Setsuko is suffering so badly from malnutrition, it’s fairly clear she’s not going to make it. It’s pretty much at this point that the only natural reaction as a viewer is to pretty much fall about in tears, particularly as you see her brother desperately trying to help. The character is so tenderly portrayed that you genuinely forget you’re watching an animation. An essential film, and one of the most moving you’re likely to see. Go find it, you won’t be disappointed.

Ahhhh, fuck it!

2. Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid- Some movie deaths are tragic, some are defiant, and some are just all guns blazing. This is one of those. Two fundamentally nice men, albeit criminals, dream of a better life. However, that wouldn’t be much of a film, and so poor choices and bad luck conspire against them and things go from bad to worse. So much so that they end up badly wounded, and without ammo, in an empty house, surrounded by the Bolivian army. I hate it when that happens. When you find yourself in that sort of situation, there’s only one thing to do. Inexplicably find a load of bullets and take as many of the bastards out as you can in a suicide run. On the plus side, you will look immeasurably cool.

You're welling up right now, aren't you?

1. Mufasa in The Lion King – If there is any film studio that could be described as the master of making grown men cry, then that studio is Disney. And for me, the weepiest of all is the death of Mufasa in The Lion King. As is often the case, it’s not the actual death itself that is the worst part, it’s the heart wrenching scene that sees Simba try and wake his dad up, only to realise he’s not going to, and so curls up under his motionless paw. This was the first time that a Disney animation had depicted the death of a main character on screen, and it’s still one of the most powerful moments in all of their films. Combining a sense of injustice over Scar’s duplicitous plan with a genuinely distressing sense of Simba’s loss and unfair guilt, it’s a scene that resonates on a number of levels and emotions. If you can watch this without at least getting a lump in your throat, then I’m not sure you’re human.

So there you go, my top ten movie deaths. I’m sure you’ll disagree with some, and hopefully agree with a few too. Got a bit maudlin toward the end there, but then what did you expect? I was talking about death after all.
Hope you’ve enjoyed the first couple of top tens I’ve done, I’ve got a few more lined up. If you’ve any suggestions, feel free to leave a comment or get in touch here.

Tell my brother to avenge me in a sequel

10. Hans Gruber in Die Hard – In a film that single handedly revitalised the vest industry, it would take a strong character to rival Bruce Willis and his every decreasing undershirt wear. Thankfully, in Alan Rickman’s ice cold terrorist, we had a fine opposite to Willis’ swashbuckling hero. Gruber was cold, wonderfully sarcastic, and willing to off anyone who got in the way of his plans. Obviously, in the wonderful tradition of Christmas films, the villain must be thrown off a building, and that is how Hans meets his maker. In a classic homage to the awesome Rear Window, we see Rickman dropped from the roof of the Nakatomi building, disappearing from view as he plummets to his death. Merry Christmas everyone.

I ain't got time for this shit

9. Arab Swordsman in Raiders of the Lost Ark – One of the swiftest movie deaths ever, and as far as deaths go, one of the most amusing. The swordsman is clearly keen to showcase his considerable blade wielding talents, but Indy’s in no mood for a protracted fight. One quick draw of a revolver later, and the swordsman is on the floor, and Indy gives us a classic smirk to camera before walking off. Apparently, it was never written like this, but due to a crippling stomach complaint doing the rounds among the cast and crew, nobody could stay too far from the toilet for any length of time, and thus was born this most memorable death of an extra.

Lovely eyes

8. T-800 in The Terminator – Compared to the ease and speed of dispatch of the previous entry, this guy took an age to get rid of. An unstoppable killing machine sent from the future, it was always going to be a tough nut to crack. Imagine, you’re a woman in a horrendous dystopian nightmare, otherwise know as a 1980s nightclub. But then even worse, a lunatic Austrian in a leather jacket and sunglasses pulls a gun on you, claiming that you are to be the mother of the future resistance. I mean, seriously, you’re in your 20s, you’ve got a terrible haircut, and now you’re the queen of the future? Screw that. But the Austrian killing machine doesn’t take no for answer and you’re forced into a battle to the death with a robot that’s impossible to kill. Still, if anyone can kill an unkillable monster robot from the future, it’s a young woman with no battle experience. All you need is a handy crushing machine and a lot of staying power. Good thing there’s only one of them.

Turning back time, apparently

7. Lois Lane in Superman- Not one of the scenes that you always think of when thinking of movie deaths, mainly I guess because she essentially survives. But not before dying a in a horrendous earthquake/crevice nightmare. Our hero has faced a dilemma. Forced to choose between saving the woman he loves, or a shed load of people, he thinks he can do it all. Sadly for Lois, he can’t, and he arrives just too late, to find her buried in her car. He screams, a plaintive cry of anguish, and then he’s off into the sky. Against his father’s wishes, he’s about to interfere in human history. As all the top physicists in the world will tell you, the best way to turn back time is to fly really fast around the earth until it spins the opposite way. It doesn’t cause the massive collapse of gravitational forces, killing all of us as you’d expect. In fact, time flows backwards just long enough to see Lois emerge from death, at which point Superman spins the world the other way, and arrives just in time to save the girl. Phew.

I'm getting really good with this harmonica

6. Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi- Perhaps the greatest redemption story in movie history. From an auspicious start as a pudding bowl haircutted oik, he grows into a powerful Jedi master, only to fall under the alluring spell of the Dark Side. He manages to father twins, which he sadly never sees being born, as he is busy having his limbs chopped off by Ewan McGregor. This is never really likely to be a catalyst to good things, and so Vader spends the rest of his days terrorising the universe, committing unspeakable atrocities, while talking through a cheap vocoder and fan. However, when the evil Empire try and fail to enlist his long lost son, it all goes a bit pear shaped, and it’s not long before a decision has to be made. The Emperor is torturing Luke, and pretty soon he’ll be dead. What will Vader do? Well if you were paying attention at the start of this paragraph, it should come as no surprise that he makes the ultimate of sacrifices, putting himself in harms way to save the son he abandoned all those years ago. It’s done irreparable damage though, and he’s not long for this life. A heartfelt chat later, and Vader is gone, redeemed in the eyes of the universe, and the eyes of his son. Shame his ghost got replaced by Hayden Christensen though.

 
Stay tuned for the top 5, coming soon in part two.
 

A typical view

Today, a breakthough. I had Twitter access, if only for a few minutes. I used these moments wisely, to let the world at large to know I was ok, alive, and most of all, in a pub.
We’d spent the early part of the afternoon at a distillery on the edge of Aberfeldy, Dewar’s World of Whisky. We’d paid our entrance fee, toddled round the museum with our audio wands (yep, audio wands), and then got our guided tour. I’ve been on a couple of distillery tours before, and the one thing I always forget is how powerful the smell is. The combination of sugars, alcohol, and the fermenting yeast is so overwhelming I feel light headed almost immediately. I vaguely remember some information about the distillation process, although i’m almost certain they used different terms in each distillery so as to put me off my stride. After the tour has finished, we head to the free tasting, where we have a wee dram of a fine blend, which I only cough once during, and only weep a little bit, so as to still appear very manly.
The rest of the day is a little bit of a blur, as we stop off at a couple of pubs, before heading home to commence the drinking proper. I remember playing Cranium with the family, along with the heated arguments and bad tempered games of charades (“It was the FUCKING TOOTH FAIRY! How could you NOT GET THAT?”). After that, nothing.
I awake the following morning surprisingly sober and seemingly with no ill effects (other than the video Clare took of me pretending to be the tooth fairy – a stark reminder that alcohol is no good).
The main reason for the holiday is that my father in law is turning 60. That day is today. Instead of a posh evening meal, we decided to head out for a pub lunch, and then a bit of shopping. The day before, we had used our drinking stops to check out potential venues. Stopping in the lovely village of Kenmore, we called at the Kenmore Hotel, and I headed to the reception desk to ask about the lunch menus. The receptionist was a very cute local girl with a soft Scottish accent that made me melt. From there on, the venue was pretty much decided. So, fast forward to today, and we arrive en masse to find the entire staff are of eastern European origin. Not an issue, more a disappointment. Haggis, neeps and tatties aren’t the same when served by a Polish woman whose Scottish accent is worse than mine. Regardless, the meal was a roaring success, with lovely food, and a view over Loch Tay.
After that, we headed back to Dewars to buy a present for someone (putting on a brave face through the smell), and headed back to the solitude of the house.

I’ve just had a breakthrough! While checking a different version of Angry Birds, I found two levels that I hadn’t got three stars on. This is the equivalent to finding a new chapter in a book you thought you’d finished. A glorious new challenge awaited me, and I would relish it. 7 minutes later, I’d completed the two levels with three stars and was back in my no book nightmare.

Scottish Birds

However, on further exploration of the property, I have discovered something to read. The Collins book of Scottish Birds. Want to know your Capercaillie from your Golden Eagle? If so, then this book would certainly help you out. It’s not got much of a plot and I have a feeling the vulture did it.
Today, we headed out to a town. I’d kinda forgotten what they were like, so I made sure I packed accordingly. As well as my trusty camera, I had a tube of Bonjela, a moustache comb, and some binoculars. I was set for anything.

On the way back, we needed to call into a petrol station and get a lighter. I strode up to the counter, checking out the prices, and the various designs. It’s nice to be prepared, and I wanted to look like I’d done this sort of thing before. I got to the front of the queue, and was greeted by a huge Scotsman. I said in my most nonchalant voice, “50p lighter please mate…”. He glanced at me, looked me up and down, and turned to the row of lighters. His hand reached out, and wavered over the various colours. I hadn’t specified a colour, I trusted in his judgement. he stopped at yellow, a standard choice. But then he moved on. Where was he going with this? Yellow would’ve been fine. But no, he didn’t think it was suitable. Fine by me, there were better colours on offer. Blue, red, maybe even a green. His hand lingered over each in turn, before moving on. He turned around, took a quick glance at me, and a flicker in his eyes told me he’d made his choice. Steadfastly, he returned to the lighters, and made straight for the lurid pink. I wish I could pretend to be surprised, but from the second he clocked me, I knew that’d be the colour I’d get. I had been judged by a man at least 18 times my weight, and infinitely more gruff, to be the sort of man who’d deserve a lurid pink lighter. Fair enough, I thought, and strode out of the door, with as much manliness as I could muster under the circumstances.

A gentle stream

I forget what day it is now, and how long it’s been since I accessed the internet or twitter. I assume as we are going home tomorrow that it is Friday, but I can’t be sure. Thankfully though, not all technology was lost to me, and we put some of it to use to track today’s walk. According to the information at the house, the walk we had chosen was a grade 2 difficulty, and had a bog factor of 2. I’m not sure they intended it to be attempted in the sort of rain that we faced though. Plus, I would question their ability to define a “gentle” gradient, as what they called gentle turned out to be very nearly vertical. For 650 feet. This was not the pleasant stroll in the woodland that I had planned. It had very quickly turned into a gritty climb through harsh rugged landscapes that would make Bear Grylls quake with fear. There were slippery wooden bridges, boggy marshland, and stone steps to navigate, and that was before we left the carpark. On we perservered, and a mere hour or so later, we emergered triumphantly at the top of the steepest slope I have ever seen. I suspect we would have been quicker in our ascent, if not for my crippling fear of heights rendering me a gibbering wreck on numerous occasions. Our path took us through some woodland and we were at first hopefull of seeing some wildlife. However, we weren’t really best equipped for seeking out some of Scotland’s more skittish animals (red squirrels and deer) as we were talking loudly, and had taken two of the best early warning sensors that a woodland creature could hope for. A pair of excitable labradors, that were more than happy to tear into the woods, just to make sure that if a deer had even thought about showing it’s face, it had ample warning that a pack of idiots would soon be passing. At the peak of the walk, we reached a viewpoint as high up as I have ever been, and I’m not too proud to say it took me a while to build up to making that ascent. If all has gone to plan, there should be some pictures of this somewhere on this page, showing a lovely view of Glen Lyon.

Glen Lyon from 10 Million Feet Up

It was all downhill from there, and we made our way down alongside what was described as a gentle stream (raging torrent interspersed with waterfalls), until we arrived back at our starting point. When we got back to the cottage, I checked the other walks in the guide. Some of them describe steep hills and difficult terrain, compared to our gentle amble, so perhaps they are better left till next time.
Over the course of the week, we’ve not seen much wildlife. Despite the roadsigns warning us not to drive over red squirrels, the closest we have seen is a pheasant with a red leaf stuck to its face. One of our dogs flushed a grouse out of the garden, and I think I saw a balloon floating over a mountain, but that was pretty much it. Thankfully, on the way home, we passed a family of highland cows. We stopped to take a few pictures, and then were on our way. Holiday over. All done, and back to real life. So I’ve got Twitter back, and I can at least tell you all about my week of solitude. The voices in my head (on my phone) are back, and it’s not better or worse, it’s just different. Hopefully I can give it another go soon, just to see how it goes.

A Highland Cow - Last week

The House

We are on a holiday in a remote cottage in Scotland. As such, I am currently into my second day without any mobile phone signal or internet access. It’s very strange. On a day to day basis, I generally converse with loads of people on Twitter, and even if I barely say anything, I still see the thoughts and ramblings of over 600 people. It’s surprising how quickly I’ve got used to that noise. When it’s taken away, it’s like my link to the Borg collective has been severed. I can’t text, I can’t check anything on the internet, I can’t even use my phone as a phone. The world at large is a dark silent void. All I know is what the weather is like in my immediate vicinity. I can see mountains, a river, and a lot of nothing. It’s pretty fantastic to be honest, but I’m still in the throes of Twitter cold turkey. I have TV access, but I can’t tell the world my every little thought in 140 characters or less. I found myself watching the X Factor with my family, shouting out what I would otherwise have tweeted, mostly without shouting “hashtag XFactor”. I suppose this was what it was like before social networking and smartphones, where you actually communicated with the people in the same vicinity as you. I wonder this silently in my head though, without telling anyone.

Loch Lyon

Into my third day of twitter exile, and I have realised, to my horror, that for the first time in my life, I’ve come on holiday wihout bringing a book. I am in a remote cottage in Scotland, with nothing to read. This is a disaster. I have resorted to playing the same levels of Angry Birds that I completed a month ago, over and over again, kidding myself that trying to get a new high score is anywhere near as important as getting three stars on each level.
As I sit here typing, three other people are around me, all reading. I try to make furtive attempts at conversation, to be met with non commital grunts and steely glances. I wish I’d brought a book, if only to throw at them.
Over the last two days, we’ve all done a bit of walking, the dogs included, even our three legged lab. Nothing too strenuous, but enough to tire us out, and feel we’ve earned this evening’s alcohol. Yeterday, we wandered through some fields, jumped a couple of streams, and ended up at a lovely little local shop that also has a tea room. Today, we drove out to the middle of nowhere, and had a look around. The middle of nowhere has a lot of sheep. The middle of this particular bit of nowhere was the dam holding up the impressive amount of water contained in Loch Lyon. While nowhere near as large as your more well known lochs, Ness, Lomond, and so on, when you’re stood on a huge dam, looking out over this expanse, it’s still pretty humbling. Being up that high was a pretty new experience for me. Suffering as I do, from a crippling fear of heights, this would normally be something wild horses couldn’t drag me to. I don’t have any wild horses, but I do have a wild dog, who was only too happy to drag me to it, in his glorious pursuit of a load of sheep. Having been literally pulled halfway up a mountain, I decided I might as well stay there for a while, and wandered onto the (thankfully high walled) dam.
Having seen all we needed of the dam (it being after all, little more than a very high wall), we headed off ever futher into the wilderness. After half an hour of driving along ever deteriorating roads, I had begin to wonder if we would ever pass through the middle of nowhere, and come out the other side at the edge of somewhere. And then we hit a crossroads… A decision was made, we went left, down what appeared to be a drive to someone’s house. Fortunately, at the last second, it veered away from private property and before too long we saw further signs of civilisation. Cars, recycling bins, houses that looked occupied. We all began to relax a little. Fairly soon after that, we emergend at the edge of the town of Killin, at which point we all breathed a collective sigh of relief, thankful that our last hours on this earth weren’t to be spent trapped in a Ford Focus. At least not today.

10. Marvin the Paranoid Android from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy – We all think we are the most depressed person in the world sometimes. Well maybe that’s just me. But imagine being Marvin. Brain the size of a planet, everything must seem a little, well, beneath you.

“Life? Don’t talk to me about life.”

9. Bishop from Aliens – He had a tough job really. After the first film, Alien, androids weren’t exactly flavour of the month. However, as we’ve all learned from Bishop, the best way to overcome, what essentially is androidism, is to do the knife trick. We all tried this at school, and most of us got out of it unscathed, or at least with all/most of our fingers.

8.  Sonny from I, Robot – You know when you’ve got a robot slave, and then it turns out to have a soul, or close enough. Well that’s Sonny. He has dreams too, but not dreams of the robot from across the road, nude, with nothing to wear but a giant snake draped seductively around her. He’s a weird robot. That’s what I’d dream about if I were a robot with a soul anyway, and definitely isn’t something I dreamed of last night. At all.

7. The Iron Giant – Still Vin Diesel’s best acting performance, and I include Fast & Furious 5 in that statement. The Iron Giant is a fantastic adaptation of the Ted Hughes book that was such a big part of my youth. A giant robot falls from the sky, and befriends a young boy, both learning lessons about life and other important things. If you’ve not seen this film, I really recommend giving it a watch, it’s not so earnest as to make you retch, but has plenty of heart warming moments. And there’s Vin Diesel grunting, which is well within his comfort zone as an actor.

6. T-800 – A near unstoppable killing machine,  who, happily for us, first stumbled upon a biker bar when travelling back in time, thus ending up with the uber cool outfit you see to your left. Imagine if he’d ended up at MacDonalds. Much more difficult to be massively fearful of someone when wearing that uniform. “Are you Sarah Connor? Would you like to super size that?”

5. Bender – The foul mouthed, liquor swilling reprobate from Futurama. Bender, as his name suggests, is a bending robot. He’s powered by alcohol, and is a pathological thief. Memorable highlights are flushing a friend’s pet down the toilet, and adopting a load of kids purely to claim benefits. Whatever the opposite to a moral compass is, Bender is that.

4.Wall-E – For a robot that essentially has no face, and can’t speak, he’s one of the most expressive metal characters ever committed to digital celluloid.  If you can sit through the scene where you see flashbacks of his efforts to shield Eve from the elements despite her unresponsiveness, without a lump in your throat, then you literally have no human soul. Stranded on a long forgotten Earth, Wall-E does what he knows best, cleaning up the junk the humans left behind. Every night, he returns to his home, where he watches Hello Dolly, his inspiration and reference material as far as holding hands and show tunes goes. Wall-E is truly one of the great movie robots, with more heart than a great number of human leading males. He also has one of the great dilemmas – if you collect forks and spoons, where do you put a spork?

3. Johnny 5 - In some respects, the main character from Short Circuit was *the* main robot from films in my formative years. Although returning to him now, he seems sadly dated and lacking in the sheen a multi million dollar military venture should have, he still has all the charm and naivety you remember. He must be a nice robot, he even strikes up a friendship with Steve Guttenburg, which I can’t help but imagine would otherwise be a care in the community exercise. While his scenes with Guttenburg advance the story, it’s the scenes with Stephanie that really progress Number 5′s journey to being a fully fledged member of society. As an aside, he has tremendous eyebrows/eyelids, which I’m not sure would entirely be military issue.

2.R2D2 & C3PO – I tried, but I simply could not separate these two, which somehow seems right. One of the greatest double acts in cinematic history, a wonderfully articulate but tremendously timid straight (in the comedic sense) man (in the robotic sense), combined with the hot headed dustbin with impeccable comic timing, and a very expressive whistle for a voice. Although they spend a fair bit of the trilogy (I’m only acknowledging the original stuff here) apart, the truly great moments are when they are together, mostly involving C3PO responding to R2′s incoherent ranting. Despite C3PO’s best efforts, they play a large part in the saving of the universe, and and are rightly rewarded with a place in my top ten. Oh, and some medals from Princess Leia or something as well.

1. Optimus Prime

Right. Imagine a massive robot, who’s completely kick ass, with loads of guns, and transforms into an articulated lorry. Not only that, but a leader, a paragon of virtue. But most importantly, a kick ass robot with guns. As a boy growing up in the 1980s, Transformers was one of the coolest things around, being a cartoon, a comic, as well as the range of toys that started it all, based on a race of robots that could change shape into cars, planes, metal dinosaurs, and cassette recorders. Despite the character taking a number of different forms and styles over the years, the Optimus I’ve shown is a rendition of the classic Prime from the comics (drawn by the very talented Espen G), because for me, that’s the way he should be. None of your horrible Michael Bay styled over complicated transformations. And for fucks sake, a robot should NOT have lips.

You may have noticed that as well as rambling endlessly about my general day to day life, I like to take photographs. You can see a collection of them by clicking the galleries link on the menu bar (or indeed that link just there highlighted in red ).

I tend to concentrate more on animal shots than any other type, mainly because I really enjoy trying to convey their expression and emotion. I’m lucky enough to live somewhere where there’s a wealth of landscapes on offer as well, and I’m very rarely without my camera when out and about. As you’ll see from my galleries page, there’s a wide variety of shots.

So here’s the sales pitch – if there any shots you like, chances are you can order a print of them from my Photobox gallery, which you can get to by clicking here.

If there’s a shot here that you can’t see on the Photobox site, feel free to get in touch and request pretty much whatever you want (as long as it’s mostly legal).

I’m also available for commissions, event photography, and pretty much anything photograhy related.

http://www.photoboxgallery.com/adverse-camber